Friday, February 15, 2013

     how beautiful to be able to just bop on in here after such a hiatus, and write. Ain't no big thing. I am feeling appreciation for all that i am. I mean, c'mon, I am so full of life and love. there are so many things going well. I let this love spill out through the words here.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Oh, hi. I haven't written here in a while. It felt good not to. I have been writing other places, feeling the fulfillment of it elsewhere. And now I want to say: I am really making space for myself to be exactly where I am. It is fantastic. What a thing to realize and know! That I am not doing anything wrong, everything is just right. There is nothing to fix and from not wondering what happened in the past by asking why, I ask the superior question of what do I want now? I realize newly I can have what I want.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I am not waiting

I am not waiting! I am having what I am wanting right now. I didn’t know what it felt like before, but now I do. I know that I can have what I want through feeling now. It is an amazing experience. So, what will I have exactly? Hmm… let’s see. I have arrived. I have plenty of money. I am able to be who I truly am. I just imagine it now and I feel it now and it is now. Not the physical manifestation right away but the knowing of what it is to have what I want. It is ensured and yes, and oh yes and fuck yes.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

deep satisfaction

There is a calming feeling this afternoon. I am aware even as I get bitten by a little black fly on this dog day of summertime, that all is truly well. I mean, deeply, inextricably, crazily awesome. I feel, as I breathe, the delight of this remembering moment. i savor the remembering of this very clear understanding that I am awesome. I am good. i am perfect, no matter what.

the idea of deep satisfaction is right on. I dig being deeply satisfied. I feel like I am always orienting to that exact experience and I can never really be deterred.

the sun just burned through some clouds and I am feeling the reflection of my knowing in the sun against my skin. i love the priestly heat of it. I love just crafting this emotional magic into more and more of what I want it to be. Deep satisfaction pretty much nails it.

It can be anything. Any piece of life, turned open. I am here. I am full of potential.

Friday, July 27, 2012

oooooh weee motherfucker and what it is like to have ferocious desire when I am not totally allowing it

hello! a day later than yesterday. I am opening to a new relationship with money. it feels like something possible even though i feel like an idiot and I want to cry. it just seems really hard and i want to just give up. i do know there is a path for me in giving up. I can give up here, around money. I don't know exactly how to do that or what is involved but i do know that it is the most efficient way for me to move forward.

things i like:
i like being in my massage room
i like having the fan on.
i liked being with Maggie, Fern and Billy last night. meeting little boys Josh and Jason.
I like will.
I am enjoying the idea of will and i having time to spread out our thoughts, minds, emotions and bodies into the delight of summer, into he delight of our lives, vacations, plans and purchases and aquisitions now.
I like the idea that I can spend time writing stories and developing ideas and characters that i love.

I love the idea of having money moving easily. money is my friend. money does exactly what i tell it to do. it comes to me in a timely fashion. just perfectly. money is my ally. money is for me to use. I expect increasing ease around money.

Having time every hour or so here to close my eyes and space out is really right on.
It feels good to do today. i don't have to get anything done today.
I simply do not have to do this or that

a day later. it rained this morning while I was in yoga.

i was up at 2am last night, having to pee and then thinking about things I do not want. I was very tempted to say i don't know what the next better feeling thought is but then i thought of how i do know. I am the only one who could ever possibly know. So, I found my way to the thought that feeling relief is in line with having money. The money I want is in the feeling of relief.

 It was a wonderful time to perceive this feeling, partially asleep, at my wit's end, and very clear suddenly that there is a way to feel relief. And that in that direction is all the money i want. From this thought there was a lot of zestfulness to my thoughts about money. it was like the gates opened and I could eat at the buffet of money, going back for seconds and thirds and on and on. Even now, a thought that I like is of having gone to Marshall's in late spring with Will. I had some money and I bought a beautiful red bathing suit. The thought of that parking lot in front of Marshalls's without any of the doubt present, just Will and I excited to explore and possibly make a purchase.

The feeling that repeatedly emerges throughout the adventure of having and not having money is this beautiful love for money. Sometimes I think that if the experience was any different than it is now I would lose some remembering of the love for money, and a connection to people who are poor. I suspect that i would be able to find my new balance around this quite easily.

As the sands dry, the gems at the bottom of the remaining pools emerge.

I got to think about money in the way that I like to. As a diaphanous mechanism of never-ending delight.

Settled here into the very heart of what i love. writing. I just get to run my fingers across these thoughts. Pour over them with the utmost respect.

I love summer all around me from this position, sitting, writing.
there is an opportunity here that is showing itself. I do not have to suffer in order to see this love. There is nothing I need to work at. I am free to have more of the movement and flexibility i want in the realm of having money rather than in the realm of not having.

I am just so happy to be here having this very robust feeling of purpose, ease and yes.
I am curious about my lifestyle desires. How i like to spend my time. I am enjoying the heat. In the heat, time slows down. I get to make the choices that make sense for me in the moment they make sense. It is just that simple.

God, there are so many things to love right from this seat.

I saw it all slough off last night. Like all the stories or lies I have told myself and so firmly believed just peeled off like old skin. it really has no more reality to it than some old skin. The baby story, the money story, the friends story, the success story. It is all so much more flexible than I ever thought possible. certainly the body story. I tell a new story now about what is possible for the rest of the day and for tomorrow. I invite in the possibility of something very profitable occurring today. Someone calls me or I meet someone who loves who I am. There is some kind of convergence that is  the mark of some movement forward. There is an energetic gush of energy unleashed here. It is not the physical events of how I interact with this that or the other person or physical thing. It is simply this act of letting go. It is sheer and delicate with tensile strength beyond any I have ever envisioned. It requires flexibility and  downy release. I can't deny this zest, this mastery, this room for what is.

This morning I woke from some dreams that were stiff and stale. i was a little hesitant to wake up. It felt like I was in the past, fearing something I am sure I had released. yesterday when I was on the conversation with Paul I became aware of some process but perhaps more accurately, a dynamic of living as a human that goes like this: I am not allowed to feel how I really feel about things. Don't let yourself feel things you don't like, cover them up and maintain that control. well, fuck! That is a very damning experience. I realize that I am still trying to cover up what I don't like so I don't feel it. motherfucker! I can barely believe it. it is both exciting and totally fucking annoying. it is exciting becasue I see that it is possible to live more deeply and deliciously. In actually feeling what I don't like, letting it be what it is, I can fcuking feel as awesome as I am destined to feel.  ( I saw a vision of writing out the arcs of the day.the physical, emotional, relationship arcs as they are. in their fullness). I keep getting little flashes of what is possible. Literally like a neon size keeps lighting up and then turning off. This sign says something about allowing emotions. It becomes very bright and specific, like yes I am on the lighted path . technicolor. fucking real. delight. It's not even that something is happening that I want or like. It is simply that I am awake to some dynamic that was previously invisible, gnawing, numbing.

After awakening, I did the normal routine. Coffee, toast with almond butter, banana, celebrity and fashion gossip on the internet. I took the walk I take, and over time I relaxed a little, fell into myself with the movement of my blood and the smell of summery flowers and bushes including phlox. I came home and took a beautiful swim with the light as it is in the morning which is new because I am more of a swimmer in the afternoon. it was so crystal clear. not the water but the sky and my mind. I was willing to see more of the swimming experience, go further out and feel the depth of the lake. truly great!

I went shopping for small cheap treasures. This time I picked replays which benefits flethcer allen healthcare. I drove there and tried to line up with the experience of being there shopping with just the few sweet dollars that I have. it is what I always want to do when I have some cash or money in the bank. I didn't feel totally good about it bbut I got three very cool and cute items for $14. I felt cut off from the fuller me. I made a quick decision to go to the sport shoe center which I have always thought of doing but never have. i tried on some no support Merrill running shoes. i felt better having gone there, tried them on and left. There were many neon colors in the mix of shoes and sport clothing. I felt like a normal person or like my mom. I came home, still trying to line up with all I had already done, what I had created. i did let go a little. I looked at my legs a lot in the mirror at replays. And I finally felt "fuck it. I am not going to hound myself to have perfect legs anymore. There are wrinkles and cellulite and strain seen by veins. Fuck it. It doesn't matter so much as I thought. I can still enjoy my legs. Show them as i have always wanted to do.

When I got home I wanted to feel productive. I had the idea and the energy to cut some of the excess growth of grape vines, little maples and some other kind of tree out of the red berry pokey bush. It was hot but kind of easy. I felt a little strained but also like it was not a big deal. I did some, dragged the cuttings off onto the discard pile and came inside to make lunch.

I had a flash that I wanted to make an egg sandwich. I considered whether I preferred egg salad sandwich with the homemade aioli, boiled eggs like usual or just an egg fried on a cheesy toast. I went with the fried egg. Just like Will has taught me. With the little spatula,unsticking the egg so i can flip it at the right moment. It was beautiful. I put the Sriracha and the aioli on top with two strips of red pepper for freshness on the side. I thought proudly of how I know how to choose and prepare almost exactly what i want for lunch every time. people might not know it but they would kill for such a knowing. it really is awesome to eat the perfect lunch, day in and day out.

The cat is around now. I sure do love him. So soft and cute with those green eyes that change from intent to adoring on a dime.

I just found a link between the desire I had the other day around wanting to have fuller, more specific experiences of well being while I give massages, my writing and this desire I have described throughout this writing and above about these emotional turns and evolutions. They are all the same desire. I am fixed on myself and my evolution. I am in the center of some movement forward and the thrilling liveliness of it is sure.  In some way i would say it is the act of deciding or committing myself to something in the moment. Let's just say it is the opposite of indecision.  I am sure that I am on that fucking beam in the moment I am feeling it. I am unabashed in my adoration of myself. I am not suspicious, i am human and clear.

I have only one appointment scheduled today. It is a bartered writing coaching session that lasts for a half a hour. Two days ago I had requested of the universe some kind of encounter that would help me connect to new clients, money, something. And here I am, still with my time very unscheduled. There is some reality present that I have created. it does not need to be undone or fixed. I can simply move on from here, aware something. What? That this desire to do nothing, have no schedule, be by myself, be questioning of money is still dominant. Perhaps. I do not know but what i do know is that I am fucking glad I don't have a job at XXXXX. I love all the aspects of the work that I do do. i love writing more regularly, particularly the kind of evolutionary confessional style writing I am doing here. I also and equally to the degree possible love the process,experience and result of painting. I love walking and exercising. I love being in nature. And may I just say, that I equally love having the resources to fill my time with travel, eating, socializing. I love witnessing Will making purchases of things he likes. I love seeing his creative efforts and activities evolve around having and playing with stereos, cars, computers. He has a lot of energy for building, tinkering, doing home projects. I am so impressed by his abilities. I feel very glad to see him in this light. I am excited to witness and be a part of the evolving beauty of this talented, curious, gorgeous man. i love you Will Patlove.

And so, i am left to the magnificence of this day. I am left to the care of my being. The very being that is eternal and all knowing. I am left to the movement forward of some pretty cool shit.

My intention from here is to continue imagining situations, opportunities, people that are in alignment with what I want. plenty of money, satisfying emotional movement, funniness, freedom, yum.

Just had a conversation with Hubert. Strange, hmm...stumped a little in movement forward. Part of me is not interested in knowing anything about these feelings. Just hmm...wonder what that is about? but it also feels like it is at the heart of some dynamic of holding myself back, being seen, feeling awkward, having no power. I pulled way back so I can't really be seen, even to myself. Very strange. What if I treasured the sensitivity I feel in this relationship? The heart, the yearning, the being seen, the love specific and general. I shine myself with light here. All is well. wow. I really did see that the sensitivity i feel is a big part of this dynamic. Crow is also or what i perceive him to be. The enemy. The enemy of sensitivity. I am afraid of his crushing, sarcastic, not interested, skim over the surface thing.  And so far, it has not been okay that I don't like that. I've tried get hip to him. shit. it feels really bad here.Like I can't move or find what I want. One thing is that i don't have to remedy anything here. it can be just as it is. when I feel safe then i come closer. If I never feel safe here I don't ever come closer. This also feels like the symbol for my connection with money. If I don't feel safe I stay perfectly distant from the having of money. it is too cold, too calculatng, too male, too powerful. BUT, as it turns out I want money.

(i am for sure enjoying this writing. It feels productive and like a real good look at me as me)

I move from I want money to I have money. having money is natural to me.
Also, I just realized that I can have the benefit of moving forward without ever uttering a word about this to Crow or Hubert about crow, for that matter. It is personal and no one's fucking business. i can be open without revealing everything.

What I care about

How much can I write today? Can I find that vortex of energy that pulls me into itself, asking, drawing more from me. Today, just in town to photograph our art show we ended up at the farmer's market. I relaxed up against the public. There was a lot of people and options of prepared food, vegetables, meat and drinks to buy. Art even. i considered the idea that I could be comfortable in such a setting. the setting of people and purchasing. It was nice. I returned over and over again to the impression of being a little further along in my money vibration than even this morning. I feel sure that I can open up to these financial experiences and opportunities that are literally right here. I feel it more than ever that there is nothing to DO. There is nothing to arrange and/or seek. it is simply that I decide I am worthy of receiving what I really want. I am so excited about this. It feels like a really nice thought to just lean up against a couple times a day.

At the light, waiting to cross the street to go to city market I saw a vision of feminine beauty that I have always craved to see. A very simple looking, even ordinary woman was waiting next to me. Her hip cocked to the side and the sight of her in her legs and butt was so precisely beautiful. it is hard to describe because she wasn't outstandingly gorgeous but indeed she was. I felt like I went to a school of beauty with one look at the irreverence she shared through the stance of her legs. it was exactly what I was asking to see.And, As I walked around city market I put forth an extension of that desire. To see these gorgeous, ordinary women more often. I suppose it is confidence. but not boasty confidence. Honest, feminine gorgeousness undeniably present with flaws and faults as part of the beauty. I suppose it is that she has a very developed life outside of her body that shows through her body.

It is hotter and humid today. I can't deny that I like it. It is summer's deepest effort and I love the power of it. It is like being lead further and further out into the land called summer without any map or familiar signposts.

Last night Will and I built a fire in the chimanaia. It was sweet and brief and I talked as much about camp as was possible. I poured over all the little details of what I liked the most. Why it has stuck as such a source of comfort and interest in my life all these years. It was a beautiful evening. The light like a gentle fire in every bow of every tree.  Will, relaxed and open. Me, having just gone to exchange the pads without wings for the pads with wings as an excuse to go get a creemee, relaxed as well.

The review of the film, The beasts of the Southern wild in the New Yorker has sparked a reinvigorated desire to live fully. Not to cover up so much the rawness of the emotion that I feel but let it be an inspiration of life. I asked to see more color in trees and sky, feel the contour of the ground more distinctly, recognize the perked up power of seeing just one person as they are, alive.

And, in fact, even as I am incomplete wanting more and more and more money, I am aware of the beauty of being present right now. it is honestly what i care most about.

Was just wandering around looking at fashion blogs, looking at myself in my white short shorts and feeling cute but also hungry for more more more and then suddeny as I prepared another cup of coffee I was like, go write. And then I was like oh yeah this very eager social energy can be channeled with writing.  I dreamed at some point last night or this morning about meeting up with Pete of Jane and Pete. It was as though Jane and Hugh had died and there was an opportunity for me to have sex with Pete. I was very eager. He wanted to take me to some other place where we preordered a meal and took a bus to get to but I opted for staying and in that situation it wasn't right for us to have sex and I was left with a feeling of wanting. Still very sexy feeling. I have always enjoyed being attracted to Pete even though i think he may think I am a sluttishy whore type.

Sorry dude.

An undercurrent of feeling that I notice this morning is of needing to do something, be something or whatever something in order to have the experience that I am wanting. This experience is of having money and feeling stable and secure. Like there is a platform of security and stability that I can create from. In noticing this I recognize that metaphysically I am simply creating the dynamic of more needing. So, instead, I veer right into the having. Into the experience of having plenty of money. Into the carefree knowing that I am extremely well. ahhh, I don't believe it. I am just sitting here feeling a litle strained again.

So,fuck it. I am not going to try so hard.

I should have money, goddammit. I should be the one doling out the cash to family members and friends. I should be traveling. I should be giving advise about where to go and how to do it so that it is totally awesome. yeah. stay in the villa nearest to the water. you will hear the precious laps of the waves against the shore from the bedroom. oh yeah, Kuai is just the bomb. You have to stay ten days. No less! I absolutely insist and if you need extra money for the trip to do so, I will pay for it. Please darling, please. This is one little bit of what i want. There is something coming through here unhindered. I love money. I want to share money with people. I want to share my love of money with people. The having of money experience. I am cutting through some of the shit today.

There is probably a mixture of what others want and what I want.

I want to use my writing experience as a way of having a conversation with my inner being. I want to have magical experiences through my writing experience. I feel the communication of my inner being as I prompt with a desire and then I listen through my big mind for the answers. i love the magical knowing that is possible and even present now, here. my interest here now is to ask and experience answers. I love the conversation possibility here. I feel, I notice, I investigate, I probably filter a little but I don't have to. I can simply open open open. What is it going to be like to have this mega conversation with myself. Just had a whole download thought about monetizing some coaching exchanges by e-mail. it felt good. it is fading a little into the background but there is a sweet afterimage of it lingering as it cushions me. Oh my god, I have so many ideas and so much potential. It is like firecrackers in my pants. I realize I am already trying to edit this. Edit the conclusions and the understanding and the information that might be seen or interpreted in ways i don't like. fuckin a. oh well. It is part of what is going on and there is something quite worthy here, and it is me., It is me being myself, probing, loving, interested. Now I am feeling very irritated. trying but not finding. drinking coffee because I want this inspiration done but it feels blocking more than allowing. I just want this stream of me open. I would love to have this channeling experience through my fingers rather than verbally. coaching writing. let me coach you through e-mail. we never even have to meet in person.

Let this writing happen. feel the power of this very moment of typing, thinking drinking roobis tea now ( I set a bag into cold waterand poof! it is tea.) underneath I can feel the consistency of this experience. I can feel the sureness of knowing who i am , my inner being, you others and your inner beings. I can feel the steadiness of my physical presence on this planet. There is nothing I need to do but I surely can focus my goddamn energy, have money, support people powerfully because it is fucking fun and be the person I love being and expressing, etc.

There is a lot of spurts and ideas shooting off from this idea. Different blog ideas and advertising but i can tell you right fucking now what I really want is to be involved with something that is mine, that is working, that is profitable, that i am proud of, that is my own,that I can turn to with regularity and delight, to nurture and enjoy.

I am definitely seeing myself. my interest. Little flits of the past like it hasn't worked yet or why haven't I gotten clients, etcs. Only slightly muting in its impact. I keep getting images of my father seeing my success in this way. certainly the ease that would come from that. And it all kind of falls a way a little as I see again that I just really like my lifestyle, writing, being by the water, vacationing as i wish, writing in my many directions.

Just having gone swimming with Will.

Hot on the chair I rose and stepped carefully onto the lowest slippery rocks. As I dove into the water I realized was just the perfect temperature. As I swam out and under the water until I had to take a breath I realized that swimming is absolutely the perfect pitch for me. it is something that I view as utterly perfect with infinite variations. it is a great viewpoint to turn over to other subjects. Money, for instance. I also see that my relationship with Will is as freedom based as swimming. it is something I see as perfect and always getting better. That is pretty fucking awesome!

2 days later. It is a rainy day. Beautiful. I am eating toast with jam and a second cup of coffee, having just taught my rock Point yoga class. heavenly. Even thought I was aware of some out of synchness I felt then I now feel an unhindered access to repair. I am well. I am not fucked up, that's what i mean. I can do what i do and even though I am have some habits of not feeling well or feeling disconnected it doesn't matter. I am okay. It is passing, it is releasing.  its not that big of a deal. I was making it a really big deal and now its not that big of a deal. I feel some mega relief. Some significant ahhh and okay.

As I arrived back here I had a lot of contracted desires. Drink coffee, sleep, watch movie trailers, etc. In some ways I don't think I can actually achieve anything today. nothing scheduled, its rainy, I already feel a little off to the side. And then I remembered writing. ahh writing. I am also remembering how I am creating my own reality here. I have and I am. There are so many moments where I can awaken today. as I notice the summery, rainy breeze whooshing through the window. The birds flying low along the water. The plop right outside of drops of rain off the roof. my own body, thoughts, feelings right here for me to notice. I am well equipped to experience and achieve if I even call it that now, today. I am possible.

I am feeling a subtle tingling sensation of delight. Things are possible. I can release feeling disappointed and feel very responded to by the universe. The universe is responding to my beauty with beauty, my abundance with abundance.

In my class this morning with Phoebe, Masha and Todd, it was completely perfect. I mean, yes and heaven awesome.

I am thinking about how I am never insufficient. I am always enough. Physically, mentally, emotionally. my body is always perfect even if I am off to the side, obsessed with some deficiency.

Friday, April 27, 2012

I can perceive my physical life more from the perspective of being the genius motherfucking creator who fucking created it all. Every fucking bit of it. Jesus! I created this and whether I like it or not is, at first, irrelevant. I am a genius creator first and a creator of what I want second. That is a sweet and relieving distinction. I can chill around the creating what I actually want at first and settle into the idea that every bit of what I am creating and have created my whole life is actually streaming out of a genius whirlwind of life life life that I am responsible for. That I arranged. Even though I do not know the how of it all, I am the one. I am the one who is naturally equipped with the ability to create on a massive scale. Oh yes.