tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12292769266935838572023-11-16T10:03:32.722-05:00thecreatrixkatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-56196383210319769402013-02-15T10:22:00.001-05:002013-09-27T15:46:43.789-04:00<div>
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<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFGr7JShpvFIpfWxcEOAukXQL08HtNkeTgf992j258SHXpTgFj75OJarzHQH0tS0P02PzrOj2wU4CnqKPauMYnPFkr7NJ-SmvFeRHToKAq2toObieS-ZaDrg5cB6CA6Aconcw_FTjvgiU//" /><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"> how beautiful to be able to just bop on in here after such a hiatus, and write. Ain't no big thing. I am feeling appreciation for all that i am. I mean, c'mon, I am so full of life and love. there are so many things going well. I let this love spill out through the words here.</span></div>
katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-18848714385372709002012-11-30T15:08:00.000-05:002013-09-27T15:50:29.914-04:00<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Oh, hi. I haven't written here in a while. It felt good not to. I have been writing other places, feeling the fulfillment of it elsewhere. And now I want to say: I am really making space for myself to be exactly where I am. It is fantastic. What a thing to realize and know! That I am not doing anything wrong, everything is just right. There is nothing to fix and from not wondering what happened in the past by asking why, I ask the superior question of what do I want now? I realize newly I can have what I want.</span>katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-41360013022695307682012-08-14T09:47:00.001-04:002013-09-27T15:54:18.477-04:00I am not waiting<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I am not waiting! I am having what I am wanting right now. I
didn’t know what it felt like before, but now I do. I know that I can have what
I want through feeling <b><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">now</span></b>. It is an amazing experience. So, what will I have
exactly? Hmm… let’s see. I have arrived. I have plenty of money. I am able to
be who I truly am. I just imagine it now and I feel it now and it is now. Not
the physical manifestation right away but the knowing of what it is to have
what I want. It is ensured and yes, and oh yes and fuck yes.</span></div>
katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-53914974373079715502012-07-28T17:34:00.004-04:002013-09-27T15:55:07.280-04:00deep satisfaction<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">There is a calming feeling this afternoon. I am aware even as I get bitten by a little black fly on this dog day of summertime, that all is truly well. I mean, deeply, inextricably, crazily awesome. I feel, as I breathe, the delight of this remembering moment. i savor the remembering of this very clear understanding that I am awesome. I am good. i am perfect, no matter what.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">the idea of deep satisfaction is right on. I dig being deeply satisfied. I feel like I am always orienting to that exact experience and I can never really be deterred.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">the sun just burned through some clouds and I am feeling the reflection of my knowing in the sun against my skin. i love the priestly heat of it. I love just crafting this emotional magic into more and more of what I want it to be. Deep satisfaction pretty much nails it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">It can be anything. Any piece of life, turned open. I am here. I am full of potential.</span>katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-2757739175510858872012-07-27T11:05:00.001-04:002013-09-27T15:57:19.807-04:00oooooh weee motherfucker and what it is like to have ferocious desire when I am not totally allowing it<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">hello! a day later than yesterday. I am opening to a new relationship with money. it feels like something possible even though i feel like an idiot and I want to cry. it just seems really hard and i want to just give up. i do know there is a path for me in giving up. I can give up here, around money. I don't know exactly how to do that or what is involved but i do know that it is the most efficient way for me to move forward.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">things i like: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">i like being in my massage room</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">i like having the fan on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">i liked being with Maggie, Fern and Billy last night. meeting little boys Josh and Jason.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I like will.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I am enjoying the idea of will and i having time to spread out our thoughts, minds, emotions and bodies into the delight of summer, into he delight of our lives, vacations, plans and purchases and aquisitions now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I like the idea that I can spend time writing stories and developing ideas and characters that i love.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I love the idea of having money moving easily. money is my friend. money does exactly what i tell it to do. it comes to me in a timely fashion. just perfectly. money is my ally. money is for me to use. I expect increasing ease around money.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Having time every hour or so here to close my eyes and space out is really right on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">It feels good to do today. i don't have to get anything done today.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I simply do not have to do this or that</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">a day later. it rained this morning while I was in yoga.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">i was up at 2am last night, having to pee and then thinking about things I do not want. I was very tempted to say i don't know what the next better feeling thought is but then i thought of how i do know. I am the only one who could ever possibly know. So, I found my way to the thought that feeling relief is in line with having money. The money I want is in the feeling of relief.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"> It was a wonderful time to perceive this feeling, partially asleep, at my wit's end, and very clear suddenly that there is a way to feel relief. And that in that direction is all the money i want. From this thought there was a lot of zestfulness to my thoughts about money. it was like the gates opened and I could eat at the buffet of money, going back for seconds and thirds and on and on. Even now, a thought that I like is of having gone to Marshall's in late spring with Will. I had some money and I bought a beautiful red bathing suit. The thought of that parking lot in front of Marshalls's without any of the doubt present, just Will and I excited to explore and possibly make a purchase. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">The feeling that repeatedly emerges throughout the adventure of having and not having money is this beautiful love for money. Sometimes I think that if the experience was any different than it is now I would lose some remembering of the love for money, and a connection to people who are poor. I suspect that i would be able to find my new balance around this quite easily.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">As the sands dry, the gems at the bottom of the remaining pools emerge.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I got to think about money in the way that I like to. As a diaphanous mechanism of never-ending delight.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Settled here into the very heart of what i love. writing. I just get to run my fingers across these thoughts. Pour over them with the utmost respect.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I love summer all around me from this position, sitting, writing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">there is an opportunity here that is showing itself. I do not have to suffer in order to see this love. There is nothing I need to work at. I am free to have more of the movement and flexibility i want in the realm of having money rather than in the realm of not having. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I am just so happy to be here having this very robust feeling of purpose, ease and yes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I am curious about my lifestyle desires. How i like to spend my time. I am enjoying the heat. In the heat, time slows down. I get to make the choices that make sense for me in the moment they make sense. It is just that simple.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">God, there are so many things to love right from this seat.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I saw it all slough off last night. Like all the stories or lies I have told myself and so firmly believed just peeled off like old skin. it really has no more reality to it than some old skin. The baby story, the money story, the friends story, the success story. It is all so much more flexible than I ever thought possible. certainly the body story. I tell a new story now about what is possible for the rest of the day and for tomorrow. I invite in the possibility of something very profitable occurring today. Someone calls me or I meet someone who loves who I am. There is some kind of convergence that is the mark of some movement forward. There is an energetic gush of energy unleashed here. It is not the physical events of how I interact with this that or the other person or physical thing. It is simply this act of letting go. It is sheer and delicate with tensile strength beyond any I have ever envisioned. It requires flexibility and downy release. I can't deny this zest, this mastery, this room for what is.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">This morning I woke from some dreams that were stiff and stale. i was a little hesitant to wake up. It felt like I was in the past, fearing something I am sure I had released. yesterday when I was on the conversation with Paul I became aware of some process but perhaps more accurately, a dynamic of living as a human that goes like this: I am not allowed to feel how I really feel about things. Don't let yourself feel things you don't like, cover them up and maintain that control. well, fuck! That is a very damning experience. I realize that I am still trying to cover up what I don't like so I don't feel it. motherfucker! I can barely believe it. it is both exciting and totally fucking annoying. it is exciting becasue I see that it is possible to live more deeply and deliciously. In actually feeling what I don't like, letting it be what it is, I can fcuking feel as awesome as I am destined to feel. ( I saw a vision of writing out the arcs of the day.the physical, emotional, relationship arcs as they are. in their fullness). I keep getting little flashes of what is possible. Literally like a neon size keeps lighting up and then turning off. This sign says something about allowing emotions. It becomes very bright and specific, like yes I am on the lighted path . technicolor. fucking real. delight. It's not even that something is happening that I want or like. It is simply that I am awake to some dynamic that was previously invisible, gnawing, numbing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">After awakening, I did the normal routine. Coffee, toast with almond butter, banana, celebrity and fashion gossip on the internet. I took the walk I take, and over time I relaxed a little, fell into myself with the movement of my blood and the smell of summery flowers and bushes including phlox. I came home and took a beautiful swim with the light as it is in the morning which is new because I am more of a swimmer in the afternoon. it was so crystal clear. not the water but the sky and my mind. I was willing to see more of the swimming experience, go further out and feel the depth of the lake. truly great!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I went shopping for small cheap treasures. This time I picked replays which benefits flethcer allen healthcare. I drove there and tried to line up with the experience of being there shopping with just the few sweet dollars that I have. it is what I always want to do when I have some cash or money in the bank. I didn't feel totally good about it bbut I got three very cool and cute items for $14. I felt cut off from the fuller me. I made a quick decision to go to the sport shoe center which I have always thought of doing but never have. i tried on some no support Merrill running shoes. i felt better having gone there, tried them on and left. There were many neon colors in the mix of shoes and sport clothing. I felt like a normal person or like my mom. I came home, still trying to line up with all I had already done, what I had created. i did let go a little. I looked at my legs a lot in the mirror at replays. And I finally felt "fuck it. I am not going to hound myself to have perfect legs anymore. There are wrinkles and cellulite and strain seen by veins. Fuck it. It doesn't matter so much as I thought. I can still enjoy my legs. Show them as i have always wanted to do.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">When I got home I wanted to feel productive. I had the idea and the energy to cut some of the excess growth of grape vines, little maples and some other kind of tree out of the red berry pokey bush. It was hot but kind of easy. I felt a little strained but also like it was not a big deal. I did some, dragged the cuttings off onto the discard pile and came inside to make lunch.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I had a flash that I wanted to make an egg sandwich. I considered whether I preferred egg salad sandwich with the homemade aioli, boiled eggs like usual or just an egg fried on a cheesy toast. I went with the fried egg. Just like Will has taught me. With the little spatula,unsticking the egg so i can flip it at the right moment. It was beautiful. I put the Sriracha and the aioli on top with two strips of red pepper for freshness on the side. I thought proudly of how I know how to choose and prepare almost exactly what i want for lunch every time. people might not know it but they would kill for such a knowing. it really is awesome to eat the perfect lunch, day in and day out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">The cat is around now. I sure do love him. So soft and cute with those green eyes that change from intent to adoring on a dime.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I just found a link between the desire I had the other day around wanting to have fuller, more specific experiences of well being while I give massages, my writing and this desire I have described throughout this writing and above about these emotional turns and evolutions. They are all the same desire. I am fixed on myself and my evolution. I am in the center of some movement forward and the thrilling liveliness of it is sure. In some way i would say it is the act of deciding or committing myself to something in the moment. Let's just say it is the opposite of indecision. I am sure that I am on that fucking beam in the moment I am feeling it. I am unabashed in my adoration of myself. I am not suspicious, i am human and clear.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I have only one appointment scheduled today. It is a bartered writing coaching session that lasts for a half a hour. Two days ago I had requested of the universe some kind of encounter that would help me connect to new clients, money, something. And here I am, still with my time very unscheduled. There is some reality present that I have created. it does not need to be undone or fixed. I can simply move on from here, aware something. What? That this desire to do nothing, have no schedule, be by myself, be questioning of money is still dominant. Perhaps. I do not know but what i do know is that I am fucking glad I don't have a job at XXXXX. I love all the aspects of the work that I do do. i love writing more regularly, particularly the kind of evolutionary confessional style writing I am doing here. I also and equally to the degree possible love the process,experience and result of painting. I love walking and exercising. I love being in nature. And may I just say, that I equally love having the resources to fill my time with travel, eating, socializing. I love witnessing Will making purchases of things he likes. I love seeing his creative efforts and activities evolve around having and playing with stereos, cars, computers. He has a lot of energy for building, tinkering, doing home projects. I am so impressed by his abilities. I feel very glad to see him in this light. I am excited to witness and be a part of the evolving beauty of this talented, curious, gorgeous man. i love you Will Patlove.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">And so, i am left to the magnificence of this day. I am left to the care of my being. The very being that is eternal and all knowing. I am left to the movement forward of some pretty cool shit.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">My intention from here is to continue imagining situations, opportunities, people that are in alignment with what I want. plenty of money, satisfying emotional movement, funniness, freedom, yum.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Just had a conversation with Hubert. Strange, hmm...stumped a little in movement forward. Part of me is not interested in knowing anything about these feelings. Just hmm...wonder what that is about? but it also feels like it is at the heart of some dynamic of holding myself back, being seen, feeling awkward, having no power. I pulled way back so I can't really be seen, even to myself. Very strange. What if I treasured the sensitivity I feel in this relationship? The heart, the yearning, the being seen, the love specific and general. I shine myself with light here. All is well. wow. I really did see that the sensitivity i feel is a big part of this dynamic. Crow is also or what i perceive him to be. The enemy. The enemy of sensitivity. I am afraid of his crushing, sarcastic, not interested, skim over the surface thing. And so far, it has not been okay that I don't like that. I've tried get hip to him. shit. it feels really bad here.Like I can't move or find what I want. One thing is that i don't have to remedy anything here. it can be just as it is. when I feel safe then i come closer. If I never feel safe here I don't ever come closer. This also feels like the symbol for my connection with money. If I don't feel safe I stay perfectly distant from the having of money. it is too cold, too calculatng, too male, too powerful. BUT, as it turns out I want money.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">(i am for sure enjoying this writing. It feels productive and like a real good look at me as me)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I move from I want money to I have money. having money is natural to me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Also, I just realized that I can have the benefit of moving forward without ever uttering a word about this to Crow or Hubert about crow, for that matter. It is personal and no one's fucking business. i can be open without revealing everything.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">What I care about</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">How much can I write today? Can I find that vortex of energy that pulls me into itself, asking, drawing more from me. Today, just in town to photograph our art show we ended up at the farmer's market. I relaxed up against the public. There was a lot of people and options of prepared food, vegetables, meat and drinks to buy. Art even. i considered the idea that I could be comfortable in such a setting. the setting of people and purchasing. It was nice. I returned over and over again to the impression of being a little further along in my money vibration than even this morning. I feel sure that I can open up to these financial experiences and opportunities that are literally right here. I feel it more than ever that there is nothing to DO. There is nothing to arrange and/or seek. it is simply that I decide I am worthy of receiving what I really want. I am so excited about this. It feels like a really nice thought to just lean up against a couple times a day.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">At the light, waiting to cross the street to go to city market I saw a vision of feminine beauty that I have always craved to see. A very simple looking, even ordinary woman was waiting next to me. Her hip cocked to the side and the sight of her in her legs and butt was so precisely beautiful. it is hard to describe because she wasn't outstandingly gorgeous but indeed she was. I felt like I went to a school of beauty with one look at the irreverence she shared through the stance of her legs. it was exactly what I was asking to see.And, As I walked around city market I put forth an extension of that desire. To see these gorgeous, ordinary women more often. I suppose it is confidence. but not boasty confidence. Honest, feminine gorgeousness undeniably present with flaws and faults as part of the beauty. I suppose it is that she has a very developed life outside of her body that shows through her body.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">It is hotter and humid today. I can't deny that I like it. It is summer's deepest effort and I love the power of it. It is like being lead further and further out into the land called summer without any map or familiar signposts.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Last night Will and I built a fire in the chimanaia. It was sweet and brief and I talked as much about camp as was possible. I poured over all the little details of what I liked the most. Why it has stuck as such a source of comfort and interest in my life all these years. It was a beautiful evening. The light like a gentle fire in every bow of every tree. Will, relaxed and open. Me, having just gone to exchange the pads without wings for the pads with wings as an excuse to go get a creemee, relaxed as well.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">The review of the film, The beasts of the Southern wild in the New Yorker has sparked a reinvigorated desire to live fully. Not to cover up so much the rawness of the emotion that I feel but let it be an inspiration of life. I asked to see more color in trees and sky, feel the contour of the ground more distinctly, recognize the perked up power of seeing just one person as they are, alive.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">And, in fact, even as I am incomplete wanting more and more and more money, I am aware of the beauty of being present right now. it is honestly what i care most about.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Was just wandering around looking at fashion blogs, looking at myself in my white short shorts and feeling cute but also hungry for more more more and then suddeny as I prepared another cup of coffee I was like, go write. And then I was like oh yeah this very eager social energy can be channeled with writing. I dreamed at some point last night or this morning about meeting up with Pete of Jane and Pete. It was as though Jane and Hugh had died and there was an opportunity for me to have sex with Pete. I was very eager. He wanted to take me to some other place where we preordered a meal and took a bus to get to but I opted for staying and in that situation it wasn't right for us to have sex and I was left with a feeling of wanting. Still very sexy feeling. I have always enjoyed being attracted to Pete even though i think he may think I am a sluttishy whore type.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Sorry dude. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">An undercurrent of feeling that I notice this morning is of needing to do something, be something or whatever something in order to have the experience that I am wanting. This experience is of having money and feeling stable and secure. Like there is a platform of security and stability that I can create from. In noticing this I recognize that metaphysically I am simply creating the dynamic of more needing. So, instead, I veer right into the having. Into the experience of having plenty of money. Into the carefree knowing that I am extremely well. ahhh, I don't believe it. I am just sitting here feeling a litle strained again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">So,fuck it. I am not going to try so hard.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I should have money, goddammit. I should be the one doling out the cash to family members and friends. I should be traveling. I should be giving advise about where to go and how to do it so that it is totally awesome. yeah. stay in the villa nearest to the water. you will hear the precious laps of the waves against the shore from the bedroom. oh yeah, Kuai is just the bomb. You have to stay ten days. No less! I absolutely insist and if you need extra money for the trip to do so, I will pay for it. Please darling, please. This is one little bit of what i want. There is something coming through here unhindered. I love money. I want to share money with people. I want to share my love of money with people. The having of money experience. I am cutting through some of the shit today.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">There is probably a mixture of what others want and what I want. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I want to use my writing experience as a way of having a conversation with my inner being. I want to have magical experiences through my writing experience. I feel the communication of my inner being as I prompt with a desire and then I listen through my big mind for the answers. i love the magical knowing that is possible and even present now, here. my interest here now is to ask and experience answers. I love the conversation possibility here. I feel, I notice, I investigate, I probably filter a little but I don't have to. I can simply open open open. What is it going to be like to have this mega conversation with myself. Just had a whole download thought about monetizing some coaching exchanges by e-mail. it felt good. it is fading a little into the background but there is a sweet afterimage of it lingering as it cushions me. Oh my god, I have so many ideas and so much potential. It is like firecrackers in my pants. I realize I am already trying to edit this. Edit the conclusions and the understanding and the information that might be seen or interpreted in ways i don't like. fuckin a. oh well. It is part of what is going on and there is something quite worthy here, and it is me., It is me being myself, probing, loving, interested. Now I am feeling very irritated. trying but not finding. drinking coffee because I want this inspiration done but it feels blocking more than allowing. I just want this stream of me open. I would love to have this channeling experience through my fingers rather than verbally. coaching writing. let me coach you through e-mail. we never even have to meet in person.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Let this writing happen. feel the power of this very moment of typing, thinking drinking roobis tea now ( I set a bag into cold waterand poof! it is tea.) underneath I can feel the consistency of this experience. I can feel the sureness of knowing who i am , my inner being, you others and your inner beings. I can feel the steadiness of my physical presence on this planet. There is nothing I need to do but I surely can focus my goddamn energy, have money, support people powerfully because it is fucking fun and be the person I love being and expressing, etc.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">There is a lot of spurts and ideas shooting off from this idea. Different blog ideas and advertising but i can tell you right fucking now what I really want is to be involved with something that is mine, that is working, that is profitable, that i am proud of, that is my own,that I can turn to with regularity and delight, to nurture and enjoy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I am definitely seeing myself. my interest. Little flits of the past like it hasn't worked yet or why haven't I gotten clients, etcs. Only slightly muting in its impact. I keep getting images of my father seeing my success in this way. certainly the ease that would come from that. And it all kind of falls a way a little as I see again that I just really like my lifestyle, writing, being by the water, vacationing as i wish, writing in my many directions.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Just having gone swimming with Will.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Hot on the chair I rose and stepped carefully onto the lowest slippery rocks. As I dove into the water I realized was just the perfect temperature. As I swam out and under the water until I had to take a breath I realized that swimming is absolutely the perfect pitch for me. it is something that I view as utterly perfect with infinite variations. it is a great viewpoint to turn over to other subjects. Money, for instance. I also see that my relationship with Will is as freedom based as swimming. it is something I see as perfect and always getting better. That is pretty fucking awesome!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">2 days later. It is a rainy day. Beautiful. I am eating toast with jam and a second cup of coffee, having just taught my rock Point yoga class. heavenly. Even thought I was aware of some out of synchness I felt then I now feel an unhindered access to repair. I am well. I am not fucked up, that's what i mean. I can do what i do and even though I am have some habits of not feeling well or feeling disconnected it doesn't matter. I am okay. It is passing, it is releasing. its not that big of a deal. I was making it a really big deal and now its not that big of a deal. I feel some mega relief. Some significant ahhh and okay.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">As I arrived back here I had a lot of contracted desires. Drink coffee, sleep, watch movie trailers, etc. In some ways I don't think I can actually achieve anything today. nothing scheduled, its rainy, I already feel a little off to the side. And then I remembered writing. ahh writing. I am also remembering how I am creating my own reality here. I have and I am. There are so many moments where I can awaken today. as I notice the summery, rainy breeze whooshing through the window. The birds flying low along the water. The plop right outside of drops of rain off the roof. my own body, thoughts, feelings right here for me to notice. I am well equipped to experience and achieve if I even call it that now, today. I am possible.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I am feeling a subtle tingling sensation of delight. Things are possible. I can release feeling disappointed and feel very responded to by the universe. The universe is responding to my beauty with beauty, my abundance with abundance.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">In my class this morning with Phoebe, Masha and Todd, it was completely perfect. I mean, yes and heaven awesome.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I am thinking about how I am never insufficient. I am always enough. Physically, mentally, emotionally. my body is always perfect even if I am off to the side, obsessed with some deficiency.</span>katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-67462542942423105872012-05-01T10:15:00.002-04:002012-05-01T10:15:58.728-04:00i love you<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdV9BCVqQzwejA3gP7pFtOFH6_V_cMdrf8Kom068dnll47Tn_yk5DRUe-mUOa6fYWqnYBVh3jhwdniDvhWNBzwWxG2qADIqOdAtivHXAMoSxrAUGTarkFBMWOXt05eNfsa-IMrXXRO5ws/s1600/mindscape+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdV9BCVqQzwejA3gP7pFtOFH6_V_cMdrf8Kom068dnll47Tn_yk5DRUe-mUOa6fYWqnYBVh3jhwdniDvhWNBzwWxG2qADIqOdAtivHXAMoSxrAUGTarkFBMWOXt05eNfsa-IMrXXRO5ws/s1600/mindscape+3.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-37415684234383428242012-04-27T08:53:00.003-04:002012-06-25T14:09:08.115-04:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHlVSUvrM5RXcpkBYMdzEsrlD1_h5G79iVF4mKo3jtYS2UXRvUnTo8n1Ra9mX_4Fl4SeaFDlFuoZh7Ojln-eRdvEj5ECJeXtPA_HMiBZpU1l9ZZO9NvZXUeAMYiND3X_WIWgbTGYc9GgA/s1600/forsythia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHlVSUvrM5RXcpkBYMdzEsrlD1_h5G79iVF4mKo3jtYS2UXRvUnTo8n1Ra9mX_4Fl4SeaFDlFuoZh7Ojln-eRdvEj5ECJeXtPA_HMiBZpU1l9ZZO9NvZXUeAMYiND3X_WIWgbTGYc9GgA/s640/forsythia.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">I can perceive my physical life more from the perspective of
being the genius motherfucking creator who fucking created it all. Every fucking
bit of it. Jesus! I created this and whether I like it or not is, at first,
irrelevant. I am a genius creator first and a creator of what I want second. That
is a sweet and relieving distinction. I can chill around the creating what I actually want at
first and settle into the idea that every bit of what I am creating and have created my whole life is actually
streaming out of a genius whirlwind of life life life that I am responsible
for. That I arranged. Even though I do not know the how of it all, I am the
one. I am the one who is naturally equipped with the ability to create on a
massive scale. Oh yes.</span></div>katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-5990717294130160562012-04-24T18:22:00.002-04:002012-04-24T18:23:21.182-04:00mindscape<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF27p2L7MrFZNYLqs3cb-ASaUj1HoVBuKkBxSv2z5rz1NvM3T6d-O91GUwZgBvcj5n7Appr_8D4AHCSDQmT16pBb8AjjFaekL-Yl4HDFXnLRq_wCyPL9jNPQ6VrS5-Cm9FFRo60xckesA/s1600/mindscape+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF27p2L7MrFZNYLqs3cb-ASaUj1HoVBuKkBxSv2z5rz1NvM3T6d-O91GUwZgBvcj5n7Appr_8D4AHCSDQmT16pBb8AjjFaekL-Yl4HDFXnLRq_wCyPL9jNPQ6VrS5-Cm9FFRo60xckesA/s640/mindscape+2.jpg" width="464" /></a></div>
<br />katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-79788122308929503442012-04-24T07:51:00.003-04:002012-04-24T07:52:02.722-04:00lawn beauty<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm8Qd-304Yxxq1PNFHK8dV6YwCC905EM2t7tiYvMZi9mjbRFQ-uFOR1Rz6PDpSRmgOOgps351DODNoG8PraMWXOejQi0o0p1y8tzspaLxMml6p2NA9sY_F9r8_oR-yGmmbix_aFStTNrc/s1600/lawn+beauty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm8Qd-304Yxxq1PNFHK8dV6YwCC905EM2t7tiYvMZi9mjbRFQ-uFOR1Rz6PDpSRmgOOgps351DODNoG8PraMWXOejQi0o0p1y8tzspaLxMml6p2NA9sY_F9r8_oR-yGmmbix_aFStTNrc/s640/lawn+beauty.jpg" width="464" /></a></div>
<br />katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-67627165217812681572012-04-22T09:56:00.000-04:002012-04-27T13:36:16.196-04:00emotional turns<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv7NJ-XFZX01mBR-p37yReMQZijgJST6yCWM_smGTCdluolYaTqRPlshpNC-wVaRZIlzT-K5l0GxLGZd2FgXUSqz1ujHpTKrj-5T_NA4Ti3EZXe9lLE7281AU6ET7oGf6KoVDT7giJzuA/s1600/beauty+lawn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv7NJ-XFZX01mBR-p37yReMQZijgJST6yCWM_smGTCdluolYaTqRPlshpNC-wVaRZIlzT-K5l0GxLGZd2FgXUSqz1ujHpTKrj-5T_NA4Ti3EZXe9lLE7281AU6ET7oGf6KoVDT7giJzuA/s400/beauty+lawn.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I live in a magnificent location. I can look up and see the beauty of Lake Champlain, of a sloping, green lawn, of tall pine trees on the edge of the water. To register that beauty as my own I only have to actually look at it and experience the feeling of that beauty. The beauty that I feel is me. it is so simple. there is nothing complicated about having what I want. In this case, beauty. I simply feel the reality of that thing I am looking at. I let it soak into me, take me over, swallow me.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-52371996441424281582012-04-16T10:26:00.000-04:002012-04-16T10:26:51.562-04:00thinking bout<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhgexjdbpyztRVvdK3RMJoB-VKgONWexOJk7HxgFSuAj90uqOIu8q1ZdmExESnh6kKVj_M4xNO292C5HvaWpom0b8NAdub83bvjFnwJHHF8l-tH71NGzeQBPVvQVxOJwH0vsVqldsm_iI/s1600/find-polaroid.php.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhgexjdbpyztRVvdK3RMJoB-VKgONWexOJk7HxgFSuAj90uqOIu8q1ZdmExESnh6kKVj_M4xNO292C5HvaWpom0b8NAdub83bvjFnwJHHF8l-tH71NGzeQBPVvQVxOJwH0vsVqldsm_iI/s640/find-polaroid.php.jpg" width="560" /></a></div><a href="http://www.lucycash.com/polaroid.php#2009_06_04_1" target="_blank">vialucycash</a><br />
I am thinking about my writing experiences and processes. All the places i have to write. My two computers, the various notebooks. As I think of fine tuning the characters in my stories or the movement of the narratives I wonder...and I am not even sure what it is I am wondering. How to do it? How to love the story? I am thinking about how it is that the writing experience can be as beautiful as it naturally is. So, I am here, exploring easily. I feel that writing ease right now as I consider the character of me.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-296890159641499772012-04-01T13:33:00.007-04:002012-04-01T15:52:43.344-04:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSlGjf9LeDCudtf591CUObhgixuKbUvau6GkK_Z3ccBsgYVqzejrhdPAHX60NYwMga8wkRIYbuhHbSvYSg37CZ4JeKxwqwHsGCLDf1sD5qUpXWA8HcOMTeh-egqv3orDVEUIa1Qr6XkjU/s1600/summery.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSlGjf9LeDCudtf591CUObhgixuKbUvau6GkK_Z3ccBsgYVqzejrhdPAHX60NYwMga8wkRIYbuhHbSvYSg37CZ4JeKxwqwHsGCLDf1sD5qUpXWA8HcOMTeh-egqv3orDVEUIa1Qr6XkjU/s400/summery.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">friendly delight, finding mine, giving over. <span style="color: yellow;"><span style="color: #bf9000;">here it is</span>. <span style="color: #f1c232;">I really think you are an amazing person. <span style="color: #6aa84f;">do you know what I mean?</span></span></span></span></div>katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-48963255551839023592012-03-19T10:13:00.003-04:002012-03-29T12:27:47.659-04:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzNgN-HmOTagTmnrrKYs8rGXNTt-nF2gn7c1KwJhgrxOkmEgRE4_e9au59O6UC3SUgM22EmrLgqfMjM4wm0HslNmYvPx23SEOpFJfP4Jl-4gYOnrcZLhx6LC3f_dcqT4yr98k9Viqc9xI/s1600/sparkle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzNgN-HmOTagTmnrrKYs8rGXNTt-nF2gn7c1KwJhgrxOkmEgRE4_e9au59O6UC3SUgM22EmrLgqfMjM4wm0HslNmYvPx23SEOpFJfP4Jl-4gYOnrcZLhx6LC3f_dcqT4yr98k9Viqc9xI/s320/sparkle.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
a day later now. The next, later morning. 10am. Went outside almost right away when I awoke, It is warm today. just a little breeze and so very appealing. I walked and then raked more from the lily beds. As I came in with the idea to drink more coffee and work here i had the feeling that i am involved in things, in the middle of something and that is a very good feeling indeed. Near the water, raking, I also remembered that specific desire to go beyond just getting a job done. The yard work with any semblance of a desire to create something is honestly, endless. The yard is huge! I must enjoy the moment of doing it.Otherwise it is shit.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-89593191723513321402012-03-13T11:19:00.001-04:002012-03-13T11:20:25.239-04:00I can know<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8wswmMy0UKm_6IQKdmtuf_BK0x8OcE_UtFUnxiDHyt1fm8Ik3hToqV7ENWcYmWEKjB_T61udH3NzpWs59Aon_-kluDUWOXCbVMwlkNP7teDT6uIe60rCyyjySWJIfVJiT7yLI7apsYRg/s1600/swiss+train.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8wswmMy0UKm_6IQKdmtuf_BK0x8OcE_UtFUnxiDHyt1fm8Ik3hToqV7ENWcYmWEKjB_T61udH3NzpWs59Aon_-kluDUWOXCbVMwlkNP7teDT6uIe60rCyyjySWJIfVJiT7yLI7apsYRg/s320/swiss+train.jpg" width="208" /></a></div><br />
I was just thinking about how I can know what I want to do next. I can kind of sniff inside myself, metaphysically speaking, and know the scented trail of what is that I am wanting. Just a week ago I didn't recognize this in myself. I am thrilled with the newly awakened awareness that I can ask for guidance. I can say, "Hey you inside. What is next?" That is how this very post occurred. It is like all of my insides soften up, and I feel the rising of the question and next, the answer. It is very relaxing. Thank you self. You are sweet to be here so close to me. I am kind of shyly asking, where is the money? Then stating, you show me where to turn and where to go. It is nice, it is soft but I feel how I have not done this before. Let myself ask and expect in such a way. I can get really good at this.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-46580729221635742652012-03-11T13:18:00.002-04:002012-03-11T13:19:17.611-04:00something new is going down<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPENWKthsI-RbB0ye2HAnYQwCQYvd8-xuC7WsOMGQ-YT1cI17ZJ64Pwnym7YHrWx9IftHUQzuips_DHAkn6tjhBO2C9L1TsHpbKA1jI6EuFGCvM_wLNUPFwLTIIWdfNF2J2oOqPlUfpt4/s1600/castle.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPENWKthsI-RbB0ye2HAnYQwCQYvd8-xuC7WsOMGQ-YT1cI17ZJ64Pwnym7YHrWx9IftHUQzuips_DHAkn6tjhBO2C9L1TsHpbKA1jI6EuFGCvM_wLNUPFwLTIIWdfNF2J2oOqPlUfpt4/s400/castle.png" width="400" /></a></div> <a href="http://haw-lin.com/" target="_blank">viaMOOD</a><br />
Wow! Ahh...Thank you relief. I started meditating as a result of taking <a href="http://freedomstyleyoga.com/" target="_blank">Erich Schiffmann's </a>Freedom style yoga workshop at Kripalu last week for my birthday. What a treasure trove meditation has been these last few days. I feel like I am opening up spaces in myself that are rich with help from my own, precious but very everyday guides. I address them as my good friends. They are those that have always been there and who I have repeatedly ignored. It is okay to have lost touch but Jesus am I happy to have consciously connected with them again. It is like everywhere I look I realize i can have what I want. As a result, I am more open to what is. I have stopped pushing against some shit that I thought was the thing that said I couldn't have what I want. It is not what that meant. It didn't mean that. It was just some thing I didn't want. That's all.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-28714599866502425652012-03-09T10:26:00.002-05:002012-03-09T17:11:21.034-05:00reveling in anger a little bit<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDaG_ZnTzCUjGCX3yZYD_9KpkChkCsIufOob7ORiEgofwl81RFHBW74WTj99qVFevIuNMDd10CoabBt9A5IXCGtYL5WRzBDJGb9gBUep30VmEldIvxcaIYnBSUdn7ZjySto-w-CPX_eEs/s1600/cry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDaG_ZnTzCUjGCX3yZYD_9KpkChkCsIufOob7ORiEgofwl81RFHBW74WTj99qVFevIuNMDd10CoabBt9A5IXCGtYL5WRzBDJGb9gBUep30VmEldIvxcaIYnBSUdn7ZjySto-w-CPX_eEs/s320/cry.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
This is a place where I write the weirdness and the possibly inappropriate because I think only 2 or so people are reading this. Fuck! I am so pissed, just soaking in anger and tears. I am so pissed that I am not getting what I want on a couple of subjects. I keep thinking that I can kill some thing, some one, some aspect or bit that is in my way. Only in my mind and maybe in a couple of dreams over the years. Shit! Could it be helpful to just allow this to be as it is. Do nothing. Let it wash over me and just say, "yes, you feelings, can come in" instead of the hard no, that it's not right, and it shouldn't be this way. Some tears just piled out and that sweet cry that I make like a river just happened. So, I would say, yes, it is okay to be right here, as I am.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-10362697453229551602012-03-09T09:54:00.000-05:002012-03-09T09:54:35.405-05:00apartment in late winter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9Ip1Wi-Vr6AGynyvm79ULnXTq6pfrVMUc3L8i7jvlsqzdGHhMOEWAroinS7rqt_TrRRpqs8B0XGDtZ18-XjmcjA4ERXzqN0fITfkQBRn4A_IThHSxJXDlGaq9ZOeq8NPnAMN4-UApqvM/s1600/summerwinter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9Ip1Wi-Vr6AGynyvm79ULnXTq6pfrVMUc3L8i7jvlsqzdGHhMOEWAroinS7rqt_TrRRpqs8B0XGDtZ18-XjmcjA4ERXzqN0fITfkQBRn4A_IThHSxJXDlGaq9ZOeq8NPnAMN4-UApqvM/s320/summerwinter.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
When suddenly there is a cold day, especially in February or March, I feel like I am finding shelter in the cold itself as it nestles up against my life. It is a feeling of relief. It is a feeling of having found an ancient treasure. How odd it seems that cold days, down to zero or below, could bring such a giddy feeling of yes, almost like a respite from what is not wanted.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-42423543061287301062012-02-21T16:02:00.000-05:002012-02-21T16:02:43.216-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7dlcIZ0g8fDxAROjmf4uRFQeLCNK9YK2gQPFk2sm8YxPB1KGyyIr3xaO-lQAV9IJqYMvuWr-g37GlWuFz2rkbz46ysEbmXROP2jSWe8Ycihk4iawTcggP7JQ9ZvwSP7msNzR8Gh-WcsA/s1600/montauk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7dlcIZ0g8fDxAROjmf4uRFQeLCNK9YK2gQPFk2sm8YxPB1KGyyIr3xaO-lQAV9IJqYMvuWr-g37GlWuFz2rkbz46ysEbmXROP2jSWe8Ycihk4iawTcggP7JQ9ZvwSP7msNzR8Gh-WcsA/s400/montauk.jpg" /></a></div><a href="http://ffffound.com/image/eb076e475df3b0ec8e1fcd175ade9e51eb137f2f">viaericcahan</a><br />
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okay. In this moment, I am asking for the ability to relax and settle. I feel too aware of what is not quite right. it is not that big of a deal but I want to shift to that softer, easier feeling experience within my emotional range. Already I am feeling a little lightening and the urge to go lay down is available.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-17242878202405625322012-02-16T15:58:00.000-05:002012-02-16T15:58:15.742-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaA64cmkrdS_0KaRs3at5JE-IflZY1YhLBYF3dqPf96bgr8xNPCRxo_z4kXiJifUIO9aFX7_LXAbhKMlr7IwcNAVdDVNapX0M-YwHe4uQ7p98U3HQMv5HZ4ycdAS5MfQlxuCKa2ceRrTU/s1600/Winter+Pond+1-05.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="323" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaA64cmkrdS_0KaRs3at5JE-IflZY1YhLBYF3dqPf96bgr8xNPCRxo_z4kXiJifUIO9aFX7_LXAbhKMlr7IwcNAVdDVNapX0M-YwHe4uQ7p98U3HQMv5HZ4ycdAS5MfQlxuCKa2ceRrTU/s400/Winter+Pond+1-05.jpg" /></a></div><a href="http://www.bellingerboutique.com/7128.html">viabellingerboutique</a><br />
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There is this nice road that rolls through Monticello and extends far, through Elsner and Winston. If you take another road, up the hill and to the south, along the river you can see all sorts of houses, big and small. On an open plain with views of the mountain range and also houses tucked into the hills and corridors of the woods. There are a few of these roads that go to the same place, to Curtis pond. Up up up and I can see all the different lives in each of these houses. It is just like a legend or a fairy tale. I am so happy to be there, to be traveling so easily on this road. I look over to my honey and he is out of it and angry. I won't try to make him feel differently and somehow, it makes some new space for him and us.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-32788199181985531772012-01-28T16:10:00.004-05:002012-01-29T09:32:47.961-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-sHkcyKTzDaid1Lgryo3SGqJDsFLIAU_EPuNOSvoVQc05v6cFMZ_yMJryUWwIcqFlqYoLAmZN4CXZ7nwB5aj52DdWKxFLoZIV33TBWvtnZXs4IrYUwr0wZBEDAEkbB9E5D9HQeW0ccZ4/s1600/puerto-rico-map.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="361" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-sHkcyKTzDaid1Lgryo3SGqJDsFLIAU_EPuNOSvoVQc05v6cFMZ_yMJryUWwIcqFlqYoLAmZN4CXZ7nwB5aj52DdWKxFLoZIV33TBWvtnZXs4IrYUwr0wZBEDAEkbB9E5D9HQeW0ccZ4/s400/puerto-rico-map.gif" /></a></div><br />
Now, weeks later still, I am aware of this idea of saying that I have something that I want. Extending my mind into the having experience of it. As I walked in the January yet springlike weather I let my mind go forth into the having of money to pursue whims and pleasures like paints, pants, coconut milk, and a vacation to puerto rico. It felt new like the idea of having in my mind first, was just breached. I can fan my mind out into some situation or circumstance. I can say yes I have this! Yes, I am now in Puerto Rico and I love the beach and the calm, warm air of this beautiful street and walkway where shoes are not necessary. I like the steady feeling of being here without doubt. The knowing that money comes easily to me. Not because I labor for it necessarily. I may do nothing at all for it but because I am aware with the tenderest tendrils, of having it. That deft experience of having it. I feel the sensation of having what I have asked for. I feel the avenue of its invention. why not? And I like the culture here and I like the culture of deciding that i have something. i am not waiting to get it right anymore, i am just having what I am wanting. It is the shortcut. It is the next step to simply have it first. There are so many areas where I can simply have what I want because I have stopped reaching forward, for the thought of not having or reacting to the circumstance that says no, it has not yet arrived. I think about it from the having perspective. I feel like I want to just write it over and over again, feeling it against my fingers for exactly what this could mean. It is such a nice way to interact with all those desired elements of myself. it is literally right here. In this word, in the reach of this next thought.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-68687743976479249682012-01-27T13:07:00.003-05:002012-01-28T09:15:14.308-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwKBqjzwWaQiHlXnVFU2y7sp2ZN-v-_Wsd7Fr5SCIWWV9L5gME69WWjAUgtTJRghYSy71xVxqu2feZBS3Vw36MOXM-JuiNEKcoFTIG_fpjjyNm8vrHUkrfuScJFvJw_DisYGe-iwjhevM/s1600/fox.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="321" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwKBqjzwWaQiHlXnVFU2y7sp2ZN-v-_Wsd7Fr5SCIWWV9L5gME69WWjAUgtTJRghYSy71xVxqu2feZBS3Vw36MOXM-JuiNEKcoFTIG_fpjjyNm8vrHUkrfuScJFvJw_DisYGe-iwjhevM/s400/fox.jpg" /></a></div><a href="http://style-files.com/">viastylefiles<br />
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The next day, mom and I went on a walk down crane neck rd and then onto the beach. I saw a soccer ball. a good one. In perfect shape with stars all over it. Adidas. We kicked it ahead of us, alternating as we walked on the stones. There was a movement of a mass of starlings. When we got close to them sitting in a tree above our heads they giggled and tweeted so loudly i felt like I was in India when I was, years ago with Eden in the hotel across from the temple where the birds sat in trees squawking. There is a house being built, perhaps nearly finished on the Connecticut side of the peninsula of Crane neck. It is a massive and beautiful house. For a couple in their sixties. I imagined that mom and dad would be friends with them. I like the idea of them finding good, loving friends that are new. Friends that just appear, seemingly out of nowhere but who really arrive in response to a call made that is deliciously allowed. We walked back and past the path, down to the water so I could feel it. I wanted to get in the water but even though it is warm for January it is not warm. I kicked the soccer ball some more and then stopped and left it. I ran into a feeling that was fifteen or so years old. It was me in Long island having thoughts of freedom and I newly realized or remembered that it is all there is. my life is about these foot to ground moments when the moment itself, the architecture, the sturdy physicality of it, the perfect ring of life itself against this moment and the things that are happening within its giant container are revealed.It felt good to run into that thought. We went to flax pond. The interior of this waterway on Crane Neck and mom sat on a stump and I squatted and did some yoga positions. The moment kept expanding. we could see the house from almost all the places we walked. It was funny how big it was. Showy. The birds too. Flying, expanding and contracting as a unit, in flight. I had a strong thought about a given area of land being something owned communally by people who cared about that beautiful line that holds both human and nature. Not a nuisance to the neighbors but something people are excited to create and explore. A ridiculous dream. No. But something still coming into being. I saw that beautiful home,next to another one,Just as large as the other and thought. "what if there were these people who were friends and conscious and interested and okay with life happening on a continuum". I enjoyed the thought, the unfolding of it. I thought of that being why people move to Vermont and live in rural communities and also why Susie and Les decided to live on a commune. For the stillness and the there-ness of it. we walked home and talked briefly about what was in store for the next ten years. I realize I want to write more easily. More simply.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-70473241829152408562012-01-17T09:46:00.000-05:002012-01-17T09:46:30.089-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpeCREpdDejrLTfhhOR6ILd60YSkCoNjFQ1wKR9FSE0w0JZ49qXhsST-Vss7i1Bhozc15VGsotEprjOBIeXlegntMNiyxdHKIKRL71pFPuhEvEOc7zRV61WmqJwfjWKmUUi04YZWDjsdc/s1600/neon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpeCREpdDejrLTfhhOR6ILd60YSkCoNjFQ1wKR9FSE0w0JZ49qXhsST-Vss7i1Bhozc15VGsotEprjOBIeXlegntMNiyxdHKIKRL71pFPuhEvEOc7zRV61WmqJwfjWKmUUi04YZWDjsdc/s400/neon.jpg" /></a></div><a href="http://vineetkaur.tumblr.com/page/52">viavineetkaur</a><br />
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I was just in NYC with my parents and sister. What a time! What stands out the most was the burgeoning expression of more of my emotions. Instead of trying to control my image, what people think of me, I just allow who I am to emerge moment by moment, as I feel it. If I am annoyed, I allow it. If I am happy, I allow it. It moves pretty quick. There is this beautiful whole, generally very delicious experience of me as a result. I hold onto what I don't want less. I approve of myself more and I see more of who I truly am.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-15693965910441596692012-01-05T14:51:00.006-05:002012-01-05T16:07:56.707-05:00Portlandia<iframe width="350" height="208" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/8qzsEzRPgO4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br />
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<iframe width="350" height="208" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ldQGPwuHhkM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-69922187826032627912011-12-29T08:51:00.001-05:002011-12-29T09:50:55.151-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIeBLZE5XYQWus-1Cncs4r9qCKfKI3FOnhUzKO_2q2Bhss4tRRqnTOUu6K5DbfLVzY4Oz7iYdjCyimbMj2k1rfCNkRvWvpo6kQxMsjPxqw4WU05NUzCqc_IYLikGdAGNufvPsaMKO0eDc/s1600/wierd+friends.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="303" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIeBLZE5XYQWus-1Cncs4r9qCKfKI3FOnhUzKO_2q2Bhss4tRRqnTOUu6K5DbfLVzY4Oz7iYdjCyimbMj2k1rfCNkRvWvpo6kQxMsjPxqw4WU05NUzCqc_IYLikGdAGNufvPsaMKO0eDc/s400/wierd+friends.jpg" /></a></div><a href="http://ffffound.com/image/1e7075f50192847e914464850d354f118f070707">viawierdfriends</a><br />
I am getting ready for some special guests for the new year's week-end. I am thinking about the shape of this beautiful house that is often, nearly like a large boat and how it will hold all of us. I have noticed with previous guests that the two, large back bedrooms have a quality of being deep and far apart from one another. With the closets between them and the lake lapping and roaring behind they seem like they are both afloat in their own world of space despite being quite close together. I appreciate this secret space that is both surprising and delightful. My intention for these next two days of getting ready is to have fun and feel lucky. I want to be open to my beautiful friends. I anticipate feeling lots of love. Picture me having what I want. I know you will.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1229276926693583857.post-20515681324321855292011-12-27T09:54:00.002-05:002011-12-27T15:45:04.226-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtZPlxsZRUPOsOdUkkSvhWNkz_eaRA4RIpHgyvl1hyphenhyphenPRC5zSljjvFG_9eyCU4QSzxYuLi4Jd1ZZ7S7juimt3b_5vfS_h7nCHd0EOT4-n80ZZEWsm6B7jDxl45deDiwvF8lSpJ466pQG1s/s1600/red+house.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="293" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtZPlxsZRUPOsOdUkkSvhWNkz_eaRA4RIpHgyvl1hyphenhyphenPRC5zSljjvFG_9eyCU4QSzxYuLi4Jd1ZZ7S7juimt3b_5vfS_h7nCHd0EOT4-n80ZZEWsm6B7jDxl45deDiwvF8lSpJ466pQG1s/s400/red+house.jpg" /></a></div>viaffffound! Now, days later and after xmas. I am at the Patloves. We had the best food. xmas eve dinner included bean tacos from scarlet runner beans that Susie and Les grew, guacamole, Will's hot sauce, shredded lettuce from Susie's hot house garden and a vinegary cabbage salad that I realize I like to suck the taste of. It was really good. For xmas dinner we had lamb from the Patlove homestead with chimichurri, yorkshire pudding, potato and turnip au gratin with Gruyere cheese, Prosecco, Cabernet Sauvignon, etc. It was wonderful food. The cookies I brought in red tins with winter scenes were a hit. Chocolate dipped biscotti and almond crescents. I made the cardamom cake for xmas breakfast with two sticks of butter and a cup of coconut oil. It was good but the flavor of the cinnamon instead of cardamom reigned. I will work on that. I think the best moment was at the breakfast table. In a flash, I noticed that the perception of moments are open to being adjusted--from the inside, like a a cosmic motor of a grand clock. I can shift my perception of things like a deep micro turn. A great ease of once hidden movement is easily revealed--all the options of what I want to see and know and feel laid out like a shop selling the wares of mind and life. It was beautiful and brief. Life's skeleton, so clear.katiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03372371717661334885noreply@blogger.com0